On Human Golden Retrievers
Recently I was in a cab, spacing out while watching Jeopardy on Taxi TV. I snapped to attention when I saw “What is Ryan Lochte?” flash across the screen. I had missed the prompt, but figured it was something like, “This athlete not only coined the inexplicable yet somehow invigorating saying ‘Jeah,’ but probably also yells it out during orgasm.” I have a few more jokes I’d like to make but they’re mean. I imagine Ryan stumbling across this (you know he Googles “Jeah” on a regular basis) and his feelings being hurt, and the thought of an emotionally wounded Lochte hurts me. So I’ll refrain.
Anyway, Ryan is a very special guy.
After careful consideration (also known as watching every episode of “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” may it RIP), it has become glaringly obvious that Ryan is what I like to call a Human Golden Retriever. This is the guy or girl who is pretty (not hot, pretty—big difference), sweet, and so, so simple. Who, besides a Human Golden Retriever, would tweet this?
It may be his natural state or something he plays up because it works for him. Either way, he’s a stunning, idiot Golden Retriever in human form. If you are lucky enough to have one in your life, he makes for the perfect rebound or casual relationship to keep you warm during winter. You should hang out with him as often as possible because he will always be so overjoyed to see you that you will feel like he is lovingly slobbering all over your soul. Most important, a guy this basic is incapable of deliberately hurting you. Unconvinced? Please try to imagine Ryan Lochte pulling a fast one on his girlfriend.
I rest my case.