On Google’s Shortcomings

I’m a traitor.

Ever since I was 11, Yahoo.com has greeted me when I open my web browser. There’s just something about it that feels like my digital home: the constant stream of stories about conjoined twins and crop circles, the instant access to Yahoo Answers where people ask things like “How do you get YouTube to come film you?” and “Can your baby get pregnant if you have sex while pregnant?” (someone remind me why we don’t need comprehensive sex education?). But lately, when I need real answers, I’ve been turning to Google. Don’t think I don’t feel guilty. Still, although Google is fantastic, it is not omniscient. A Beyoncé binge over the holidays made me realize I have some pressing questions that I doubt Google can help me out with.

I know I’m years late in switching my allegiance, but I’ve finally realized I’m wasting precious moments in the time it takes to type “Google.com” when I’m done beying (that is a typo that I am leaving because it proves my Beyoncé overindulgence was serious) distracted by Yahoo’s often ridiculous headlines.

Some things I’d like to Google but don’t because I know I won’t get real answers and would fall into internet holes I’m not strong enough to crawl out of:

*Disclaimer: I also look up in-depth explorations of gender issues, race relations, and other serious topics. Much more highbrow content than what’s about to follow. I’m smart. This reassurance may seem gratuitous now, but I promise after reading this list you will need the reminder.

-Beyoncé fierceness how to get

-Why aren’t there two of Armie Hammer in real life

-I laughed when I saw people wearing high fashion printed pajama pants but now I want high fashion printed pajama pants am I a lemming

-Céline pajama pants cheap version where to get

-Beyoncé walk how to get

-Cast of Animorphs where are they now

-2 Chainz favorite recipe bacon

-Plane struck by lightning what next instant death??????

-Where is Drake right now NYC

-What are dog emotions

Alex Mack book ending spoilers

-Have crush on teenage Simba strutting on log weird or not please advise

-North West net worth how much richer than me is this baby really

-How to stifle sobs asap also best waterproof mascara reviews

-Beyoncé life how to get


3 Comments on “On Google’s Shortcomings

  1. Crush on Simba not weird, Nort West more than on hundred times richer than you, don’t stifle sobs let it out: both Beyonce and North West are not blessed with chronic bitch face… you’re so much better than them. These are very serious issues in the same category as Do you think Bruno Mars Smells like weed? How do I get Tim Gunn or Anderson Cooper to be my God fathers? Does John legend taste like caramel? I promise I ponder deep philosophical questions too. 😀

    • Hahahah! Thank you for making me feel normal.

      I actually met Tim Gunn and he told me the color I was wearing, which was like a jewel-toned teal, looked amazing on me. I considered just dyeing my skin that color and calling it a day.

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