Rating The Bachelor Dates: Week 2

So far, this season of The Bachelor has exceeded my expectations. I like the show not for its promise of everlasting love, but for the potential for (or guarantee of, rather) drunken messes and melodramatic meltdowns over people whose talents amount to being really skilled at running on beaches and soulfully gazing into other people’s eyes.

There are tons of The Bachelor recaps out there, so I’m not going to give a play-by-play of every detail. Instead, after wondering “WTF are they doing?!” while watching the dates over many seasons, I’ve decided to rate these eyebrow-raising excursions on a scale from 1 (worst) to 10 (best). I think the only reason people “fall in love” on this show is because of the adrenaline-pumping dates in gorgeous locales (research shows going on aventuras as a couple promotes lovey feelings, thanks to heightened levels of bonding hormones). The dates are hugely important. So, let’s do this.

Date 1: One-on-one with Clare. Juan Pablo’s first one-on-one date is with Clare, aka the girl who stepped out of the limo wearing a fake pregnancy belly. Let’s pause and think about this. That is what she chose as her first impression. She’s putting her best foot forward and trying to hide the crazy in the beginning, as you do. Faking a pregnancy is her version of being normal. Just something to think about.

Juan Pablo picks her up, blindfolds her as they drive to a secret location, gives her a piggyback ride, and drops her on her ass in the snow. They’re in a winter wonderland in LA! They sled and ice skate, which seems fun except when I see ice skates, all I can think about is sharp blades to the face (hello, Final Destination Moment. Nice to see you). After making out in the hot tub, they see a concert by Josh Krajcik, a long-haired man who is singing a sweet song and would make an excellent scary but well-meaning hitchhiker in movies. Clare seems excited to see him, so she is obviously a very good actress.

Nope.

Nope.

Score: Having to run through the snow in a bikini, barefoot + cutely ice skating/sledding together + did he feed her any dinner?! + pretty song by a random man + hot tub action = 7

Date 2: One-on-One with Kat. Kat is the first Bachelorette to get the private jet treatment! She starts wondering if maybe they’re going to Miami or NYC (??? Very far from LA when it’s not even an overnight date, Kat). I also loved that she said NYC would be “romantic, private, and just the two of [them].” Romantic and private aren’t the words I’d use to describe a place where the subways and streets are so packed, I regularly get more intimate with strangers than I do with my boyfriend.

If I were Kat, I would have a raging internal battle going on. Part of me would be like, “Okay, aren’t small planes more likely to crash?” and the other part would be more focused on imagining the inside of that private jet as a smaller, more champagne-soaked version of a Virgin Atlantic flight. Virgin has amazing music and pink and orange lights in the cabin, so it’s like a nightclub. I honestly would not be able to turn that down, crash potential be damned.

Turns out they flew to Utah to participate in Electric Run, a nighttime 5K. Running? On a first date? Really? I mean if you want to fast-track this relationship and drop all pretenses that I woke up like this (sorry), that’s your prerogative. But honestly, it’s better if you love me before we run together. Letting a guy see me run is like a trust fall for my heart. Some girls look adorable when they take their exercise up a few notches beyond walking. I really, really, really am not one of them. Swimming or a fun little water polo scrimmage, I could do. But running is the worst. Juan Pablo and Kat are rewarded for their efforts with a huge neon dance party.

TheBachelorElectricRun2

Kat is obviously psyched and not thinking, “Oh God, I’m with a guy who is actively trying to crowd surf. What have I done?” so that’s how we’re different.

The great thing about watching this show closely is that you don’t miss gems like Kat saying: “Juan Pablo is incredibly sexy. He’s someone I truly would chase after in the streets.” This was the crazy-eyed shot the producers chose to run with that voiceover, evil geniuses that they are:

TheBachelorElectricRun3

Score: Risking death via swanky private jet + risking first date dumping via looking horrific after workout + flashy celebratory party when you reach the finish line = 8

Date 3: Group date. Luckily I don’t have to run a 5k to get my cardio in; I’m breathing so hard right now because this was the best date ever. The women and Juan Pablo got to do a photoshoot with adoptable dogs from Best Friends Animal Society, which is an organization that focuses on stopping the killing of dogs and cats in shelters. I’m struggling to not write in all caps because I’m so excited by this idea. I just found an unironic “Aw yeah” in my notes about this date, which means I basically blacked out from joy while watching because I would never consciously let that phrase escape my mouth or fingers. To really get in the spirit of things, the women were each costumed and made up to go along with their dogs’ general looks.

HAHA

HAHA

Score: Dogs. Duh. 10. You’d think points would be subtracted because it’s a group date, but The Hunger Games-like competition I’d get into when being let loose to choose my dog would just up the ante. Full marks.

More must-mention moments:

-Is anyone else getting major Keri Russell circa Felicity vibes from Nikki?

TheBachelorNikki

That must be why I like her so much. I would really appreciate if someone in The Bachelor cast would ask her why Elena was still alive in Felicity‘s series finale even though she should have died in that car accident.

-The second I saw Lucy topless in the hot tub with the other girls, I knew she was my ideal The Bachelor contestant. I have always wanted people to show up and be like, “No thanks on the whole love thing. I just want to live in a gorgeous house, drink my face off, and make awesome friends.” Thank you, Lucy, for living the dream.

-Victoria got transcendentally liquored up, drunk cried, and Juan Pablo kicked her right off without waiting for the rose ceremony. She managed to get some choice quotes in before her unceremonial departure. My favorites: “If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, I’m going to straddle him every day. Because that’s what life is about. Straddling people. And things.” Also, “I gave Juan Pablo The Hymen Maneuver.” Terrifying.

The expression you make when you look through your sent texts the next morning.

The expression you make when you look through your sent texts the morning after a night out.

Note: When Victoria entered the bathroom stall to commence her wine-induced breakdown, her hair was loose. When she came out to scream at the producers that she was DONE and she needed to GO HOME right NOW, her hair was in a braid. Love a girl who’s got her priorities in order.

Do you agree with my ranking of this week’s dates? Let me know, and see you next Tuesday for another The Bachelor date rating. The preview looks like we’re in for a treat.

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2 Comments on “Rating The Bachelor Dates: Week 2

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