On Modern-Day Laws of the Universe

I’m sure Newton and Einstein were great, but there are a few modern-day laws of the universe that they somehow failed to cover. Guys, I know you were busy with all that groundbreaking scientific discovery business, but come on. Slacking’s for suckers.

Here are some undeniable laws of the universe that they missed:

1. You will see the most important people when you look like a haggard beast. Let me ask you something. When would you rather be squished in a cramped elevator with Anna Wintour?

A. When you, inspired by the glamazons who swan around your building every day, have woken up early to put together the most catwalk-ready outfit your wardrobe can provide. You also just got your hair done, meticulously applied your makeup, and are radiating a glow that only comes with listening to Drake first thing in the a.m.

B. Because you were up until 2 a.m. watching old episodes of Felicity, you woke up too late to shower. You definitely didn’t have time to waste debating the virtues of leather-adjacent pleated skirts vs. waxed denim. Or washing your hair. Or your face. You are wearing your comfiest jeans and an animal-print top you got from your grandma (who, it must be said, is VERY stylish). That red manicure you optimistically got at the beginning of the week is now chipping and looks like you sank your nails into someone’s chest then got bored and gave up halfway.

Guess which one happened to me?

2. You will use a bobby pin approximately 2.5 times before it disappears into the ether. How do you use a bobby pin .5 times, you ask? Well, first, you have it in your hand, prepared to slide it into your hair as you’re running around and getting ready. Then you put it down to take a sip of your drink. That’s it. It’s over. Sorry, but you are never finding that bobby pin again.

3. You will never be able to let go of Grey’s Anatomy. This show has degenerated into an unrealistic tangle of romantic interludes in on-call rooms and disaster plot lines better suited to I Survived. There’s been a mass shooting, plane, train, and ferry crashes, a bombing, a SINKHOLE. The list goes on. It routinely makes you roll your eyes so hard they might get stuck in the back of your head. But with each cliffhanger, you find yourself furiously googling “When does Grey’s Anatomy return???” and mentally jotting the date down as the day your brain will get sweet release. Sandra Oh had to get THERAPY to fully disengage. Compared to her, you are but a mere mortal. Just accept it.

4. You will unexpectedly get your period when you are completely out of supplies. You will also be bowled over with debilitating cramps. Oh, and just because the universe likes a good chuckle, there will obviously be a blizzard. Don’t bother looking through your purse for tampons because you won’t find any. What do you think this is, a Disney movie complete with happy ending? To the bodega you go.

5. You will accidentally send that scathing text message to the person you’re complaining about. Ugh. The hazards of modern technology and dangerously fast fingers. Of course it’s best if after a fight with a friend, you reconvene equipped with heartfelt “I” statements and a willingness to see her point of view. But it’s hard to take the high road when you feel like you are literally being consumed with fiery rage. So you’ll immediately shoot off a text to another friend about how “Britney is the WORST, I just can’t with her stupidity right now. Her laugh makes me want to kill things.” A second too late, you’ll realize that you actually sent it to Britney, who is. With. You. Right. Now. This is scarier than any horror movie. The text is coming from inside the room! If it happens once, shame on you. Let the mortification be a lesson. If it happens twice, just do everyone a favor and donate your cell phone to the needy. No good can come from this.

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