On Pickup Lines
Last weekend, a friend and I decided we wanted to go to a bar filled to the brim with bros. We envisioned plaid flannel and overly inflated egos as far as the eye could see. We wanted to crank it up to full-on broverload. It’s more about the vibe than the guys themselves; that sort of bar was my favorite in college but now I can barely handle one such outing a month. “I want a touch of frat,” I declared to my friend. “Just a touch.” Be careful what you wish for.
That night we were wandering the streets, still trying to figure out where to go. I suddenly stopped, stricken with a thought. “Wait. Are we close to an Artichoke?” I demanded, gripped with urgency. Artichoke, a chain of pizza places, is the nectar of the gods of drunk eating. “I can totally eat two slices,” I muttered to myself as we walked in. “I should definitely get two slices,” I declared in a louder voice, psyching myself up for a task that, unfortunately, I just wasn’t capable of. After mangling two monstrously big pieces (basically just ate the cheese because I have excellent priorities), we marched into a nearby bar. We were in the equivalent of a post-O glow, except from pizza. I actually think we were giving off pizza pheromones. We got the type of bold, bro-y pickup line that would have made more sense if we had been standing there naked, each holding a huge plate of delicious food. For example, a guy stopped in front of us and said:
“Man. I would love to make you both my wives.”
We gaped at him, laughed uproariously, then gaped a little more. Then suddenly the thought came to me: was I on a hidden camera show? Was I about to get YouTube famous? Could I fulfill my destiny and become the next Sweet Brown?
Nope. This was real life.
He introduced himself as Jonathan*. We started to tell Jonathan it was hard to take him seriously with a line like that. “But I just really can’t make a choice,” he said, looking at us with the bewildered expression of a dog whose toy disappears. Since he said it was his first time testing it out on unsuspecting ladies, we patiently explained that he was cute enough to just say, “Hi! I’m Jonathan! How are you?” He eventually got on board and even decided to buy us drinks as a thank you for enlightening him. Yes! Everyone’s a winner! Except then his friend came over and said Jonathan uses that line all the time. Well, okay, that’s fine. Where are our drinks? As of writing this at 9:02 on Tuesday night, they’re still at the bar, because he never got them for us. Don’t dangle
a carrot free drinks in front of a rabbit girls facing exorbitant Manhattan bar prices, especially not after telling them you hope they’ll be your sisterwives.
In honor of Jonathan and his failed double pickup attempt, I compiled some of the worst lines my friends and I have gotten. Brace yourselves:
1. “Excuse me, miss—do you own this town? Because you should with that ass.”
This guy! This guy has huge balls. He should be the only person legally allowed to spread his legs on the subway like it’s his personal mission to make your ride as uncomfortable as possible. They’re that big.
2. Guy: “Have you heard of this amazing new sale?”
My friend: “NO OMG WHERE IS IT?!”
Guy: “My room. All clothes are 100% off.”
I’ll admit it: I laughed. He gets a few points for creativity. Then he gets millions of points deducted for tricking a girl into thinking that there’s a sale so amazing even a random guy at a bar would know about it. Evil knows no bounds.
3. “Have you seen Kindergarten Cop?”
The guy proceeded to tell me and my friend that he was the kid from that movie. It almost worked and we talked to him for about half an hour, trying to suss out whether he was lying. I’m a fan of this one because I like to lie when I’m out at bars, too. Hello, my name is Katrina and I am a dancer. No, NOT exotic. Jazz.
4. “Ayo, baby gurl, you like white boyz?” Um. Yes. Yes, I do. I would also like an alien if it were sexy enough and brought me flowers. Equal opportunity dater, here. You, on the other hand? There is little that raises my eyebrows faster than a sad 2 Chainz impression from a guy who wears boat shoes year-round and, I can just feel in my bones, desperately wants to be Justin Bieber’s swag coach.
5. “What’s your favorite brunch spot? I’m going to make reservations now.” I asked my friends for horrible pickup lines, but I think this one misread my request as “pickup lines that would promptly make me propose and beg to have every single last one of this guy’s babies.”
*This may or may not be his actual name. No idea.