General Ridiculousness Category

6 Ways Apartment Hunting Is Like Dating

I’m on my third month of living in a new apartment on New York City’s Upper East Side. No, it isn’t the Gossip Girl Upper East Side (I would have tracked down a Nate Archibald look-alike if that were the case), but it still makes me have all these disgustingly sappy “I love New York” […]

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8 Things I Said While Watching the World Cup

I’ve never been much of a sports fan. What I do love, however, is ardent displays of national pride, attractive men, and the kind of athleticism that makes me want to spend the rest of my life in a gym. So, naturally, I got pretty into the World Cup. It doesn’t hurt that B’s obsession […]

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On Making Adult Friends: A Choose Your Own Adventure Story

You stare at yourself in the bar’s bathroom mirror. You’re feeling just tipsy enough to size up your reflection and confidently think, “I’d do me.” Someone emerges from a stall and parks herself at the sink next to yours, absorbed in the precise process of making sure her high ponytail is bump-free. You steal some […]

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On Dressing for the Weather

Lately, I’ve been making myself act like an actual adult. I’m going to bed on time, waking up early enough to not rush to the office, and generally not behaving like my age has just entered the double digits. I’m quite proud, but there’s one harsh reminder that I’m not adulting perfectly just yet: dressing […]

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On Playing into Stereotypes

Mice are very good climbers. Did you know that? Very adept at scrambling up to the best vantage point so they can plot their paths of destruction. This is the story of how I learned this unsavory fact along with a few enlightening things about myself. As I settled in a few nights ago, excited to […]

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On Pickup Lines

Last weekend, a friend and I decided we wanted to go to a bar filled to the brim with bros. We envisioned plaid flannel and overly inflated egos as far as the eye could see. We wanted to crank it up to full-on broverload. It’s more about the vibe than the guys themselves; that sort of bar […]

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On Modern-Day Laws of the Universe

I’m sure Newton and Einstein were great, but there are a few modern-day laws of the universe that they somehow failed to cover. Guys, I know you were busy with all that groundbreaking scientific discovery business, but come on. Slacking’s for suckers. Here are some undeniable laws of the universe that they missed: 1. You […]

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On That Sports Illustrated Cover

To: The Patriarchy Wait. This is supposed to be a ransom note, but I am realizing I have nothing to threaten you with. Except maybe the last dregs of your common decency. You know, if you have any. There are a few problems with this cover. We could talk about the impractical beauty ideals that […]

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On The Five Friends I Need In My Life

The other day, I got off the subway and started to make my way across the sidewalk so I could catch the walk signal. My pace must have been more tourist than native (in my defense, it’s been way too icy lately), because this teeny little woman in a big black puffer shoved my chest […]

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On Successful Movie Trailers

There are certain movie trailers that I just cannot stop watching. After extensive research (aka falling down an addictive YouTube hole), I’ve reached a conclusion: Kanye West is the key. His songs are the magic ingredient; with their backing, a trailer is elevated from a simple commercial for an upcoming film to a mesmerizing experience […]

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On Women Complimenting Other Women

Missed Connection: Pretty lady with pixie cut – w4w -24 (Penn Quarter) You had the type of close-cropped cut I’m tempted to get when my curls snap yet another comb, or a hairstylist looks terrified and asks me, “like…what do I…do with it?” You were dressed in a silky floral top and pants that I […]

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On My Dietary Restrictions

I was recently at a press event at Saxon + Parole, a restaurant that makes some of the best steak I’ve ever tasted in my overwhelmingly carnivorous life. While we were sipping heavenly hot buttered rum, a debonair garçon (I’d normally just say “waiter,” but he was so classy that I feel required to call […]

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Rating The Bachelor Dates: Week 2

So far, this season of The Bachelor has exceeded my expectations. I like the show not for its promise of everlasting love, but for the potential for (or guarantee of, rather) drunken messes and melodramatic meltdowns over people whose talents amount to being really skilled at running on beaches and soulfully gazing into other people’s […]

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On Misophonia AKA Why Chewing Noises Are My Own Personal Hell

If you’ve read even a little of this blog, you know that I love food. Our bond is deep, abiding, and unconditional. When I settle down to devour something delicious, I take a moment to enjoy the feeling of pure contentment that I’m sure is akin to how mothers feel when staring into the eyes […]

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On Google’s Shortcomings

I’m a traitor. Ever since I was 11, Yahoo.com has greeted me when I open my web browser. There’s just something about it that feels like my digital home: the constant stream of stories about conjoined twins and crop circles, the instant access to Yahoo Answers where people ask things like “How do you get […]

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Happy Holidays!

Hope you’re having as much food and fun as you can stomach. Speaking of both holidays and stomachs, have you heard of Pre-Thanksgiving Workouts? As in, you do some intense exercise the morning of Thanksgiving so you are extra ravenous and basically become a culinary black hole, immediately inhaling any food set in front of […]

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On Final Destination Moments

Last weekend, my boyfriend B and I were walking through a pretty DC neighborhood on our way to brunch. As we waited to cross the street, a pickup truck made a sloppy left turn. We watched as a bulky piece of equipment as big as an AC unit flew off the back of it, skidding […]

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On Not Being Bilingual

I miss my Spanish skills most when I am walking down the street, some man eagerly throws open his truck door, starts in with, “¡Hola! ¡Hola, guapa! Sexy! ‘Ey!” along with some highly enticing smooching noises, and I can’t quite come up with the right combination of searing words that make tears swell in his […]

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On Human Golden Retrievers

Recently I was in a cab, spacing out while watching Jeopardy on Taxi TV. I snapped to attention when I saw “What is Ryan Lochte?” flash across the screen. I had missed the prompt, but figured it was something like, “This athlete not only coined the inexplicable yet somehow invigorating saying ‘Jeah,’ but probably also […]

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The Blackup Dancer, Defined

Blackup Dancer /ˈblakˌəp/ˈdansər/ noun c.2013, from a tongue-tied conversation I had after watching Lily Allen’s “Hard Out Here” video. 1. A woman of color who is so talented at dancing that you didn’t even know bodies could move like that. Her moves are far superior to those of the star of the video. As of […]

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Subway Stranger Danger

The scene opens. He is a Channing Tatum look-alike circa 2008, except less cute. She is a magazine editor on her way to work. Our heroine woke up late this morning and isn’t wearing any makeup, hoping to put a bit on at her desk. She also didn’t have time to moisturize and is resigned […]

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On The Ellipsis

Why should Ellipsis get to stomp around like a giant, while the rest of us try not to get smooshed under his big feet? What’s so great about Ellipsis? Hm? Period is just as cute as Ellipsis. Period is just as smart as Ellipsis. People totally like Period just as much as they like Ellipsis. […]

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I Have Decided to Be Magnanimous

Since I cannot be with Drake, it is okay if he dates Rihanna instead. You take what you can get, right?

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On Transforming into a Morning Person

True to my Scorpio nature (just kidding [not really]), I’m all about changing myself for the better. Unless it’s too much work. Then I’m all about staying true to who I already am. That woman who taught herself how to dance in a year sent me into an hours-long tailspin of watching So You Think […]

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Someone Get Me a Xanax: On My Fear of Flying

I used to be very scared of flying. I was okay through my childhood and teenage years, but something changed in college. It happened when my family and I were returning to the states from Manchester a few summers ago. Out of nowhere, the plane dropped right out of the clouds and very nearly slammed […]

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Modeling: Not As Easy As It Looks

If you have seen even one season of America’s Next Top Model, you will hear these catwalk hopefuls tell Tyra, Queen of You and Everything Else Ever, “I had no idea modeling was this hard!” I have seen every episode of the show. Yes, I actually kept watching even when they came up with Pot […]

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Pinterest Is Appalling

My life is basically diametrically opposed to some of the most popular pins. Look, I’ve got proof: Pinterest version: In what universe does someone’s closet look like that? These are all bigger than my entire living room, kitchen, and bathroom combined. My version: Leaving my clothes in an “artful” heap on the floor. Look, this […]

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Spooked

When I feel like my life is low in its daily “I’m so terrified I’m now officially scared of shadows” quotient, I like to read stories about paranormal phenomena. Demons? Love ‘em. Ghosts? Yes, please make me scared to leave my closet open at night. If you know anything, you know that closets are a […]

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On Parallel Universes

I told my boyfriend that it is much easier to not ask Drake to marry me because I know that in a parallel universe, Drake and I are actually very happy together. This was not as reassuring as I had hoped.

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I Am Drinking a Bud Light “Cran-brrr-rita”

Because I’m trying to rein in spending on food and alcohol and it was like $3.50 for 25 ounces. Thank you, Bud Light, for reminding me I am actually nowhere near being an adult. Big sigh of relief.

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Today on the Subway

I saw two beautiful baby boys with eyelashes they had obviously stolen from Disney Princesses. I stared at them so much I think their dad was getting nervous. They get to grow up with male privilege but ALSO with eyelashes that would make any photoshopped mascara ad hang its head in shame? That ain’t right.

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My Future Dog

As I tell anyone who will listen, my future dog will have hit the freaking jackpot. He will be a little shelter mutt with a face I can’t even conceive of right now that will tackle and squeeze my heart the second I see it. I will have a hard time naming him, but I […]

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Thoughts While Getting Threaded

At a recent eyebrow threading appointment, as I suppressed yelps while the aesthetician mercilessly yanked hair off my face (sounds really barbaric when put like that, right?), I realized something: I keep my eyes open during the process. While the aesthetician is bearing down on my face, I’m always left wondering where to look and […]

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It’s a Blog!

I’m overjoyed to announce the arrival of my bouncing bundle of joy: This Is Just What My Face Looks Like! Weighing in at a hefty four sentences, she obviously loves bacon and ice cream (apart, never together) as much as her mom. Seriously though, welcome to my blog. Hope you’re ready to have some fun.

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