I Will Not Learn to Love Running

Stop lying.


Help! My Boyfriend Wants Morning Sex

“My boyfriend loves having sex in the morning, but I don’t. How can I make myself a morning person? Or make him not?”

Listen, I’m with you. I personally cannot stand mornings and would like to see them universally abolished. Since you (probably, I don’t know your life) cannot travel back in time to the beginning of your relationship and be like, “Wait, you like morning sex? Get the hell out of here with that,” I figure there are a few different ways to handle this:

1.  Set your alarm for waaay earlier than you need to. That way you can get the neurochemical reward that comes with waking up and realizing you have a lot more time to sleep, but magnified by 100 when you realize you get to have sex and THEN pass the eff out in a post-orgasm haze. I would do something like name the alarm “PENIS TIME!!!” because all caps and excessive punctuation can really light a fire under my ass.

2.  Masturbate or have sex the night before but don’t let yourself get all the way there. Edging! Still edgy? Whatever, it’ll work. You will wake up a ravenous sex monster, raring to go. Or you’ll just wake up really pissed. But you can channel that anger into intense sex so really, this works either way.

3. He’s the one who wants morning sex, so put the onus (almost wrote anus. Hi, Freud!) on him to get you on board. Tell him you’re down as long as you’re in the mood, and it’s his job to get you there. It is no longer acceptable to just repeatedly poke you (and not with his finger, you get me?) and just grin and wiggle his eyebrows when you finally wake up. Set some boundaries about how far he can go when trying to arouse you from your slumber, then leave it up to him.

Have a love, sex, or relationship question? Send it to Help.JustMyFace@gmail.com and I’ll do my best to answer it here.

Thoughts While Getting Threaded

At a recent eyebrow threading appointment, as I suppressed yelps while the aesthetician mercilessly yanked hair off my face (sounds really barbaric when put like that, right?), I realized something: I keep my eyes open during the process.

While the aesthetician is bearing down on my face, I’m always left wondering where to look and creepily shifting my gaze every time she changes position so I’m not staring straight into her eyes. I couldn’t help but think (love you forever, Carrie) that I am one of the few people who, during threading, keeps her eyes open like a psycho instead of closing them like a regularly functioning human being. A few other thoughts occurred to me during that session:

1. Involuntary ass-clenching is a byproduct of holding back cries of pain. Checking daily (HAHA) workout off my list.

2. I hope she puts a little extra arch so my eyebrows do all my sassing for me.

3. What does it say about me that I want to tell my boyfriend I’ve planned a super fun date, have him get all excited and dressed up, then spring a surprise threading appointment on him? The man has amazing brows, so this has nothing to do with his grooming. It would be purely for the entertainment factor. And of course I’d make it up to him with an actually great date after. So tempted.

It’s a Blog!

I’m overjoyed to announce the arrival of my bouncing bundle of joy:

This Is Just What My Face Looks Like!

Weighing in at a hefty four sentences, she obviously loves bacon and ice cream (apart, never together) as much as her mom.

Seriously though, welcome to my blog. Hope you’re ready to have some fun.